hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
