mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
