he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
