Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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