So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
