Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
