I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
