1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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