Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
