All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
