this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
