left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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