Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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