Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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