yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
