something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
