I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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