I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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