Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
