The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
