I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
