Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
