why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
