you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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