Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
