did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
