My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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