Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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