chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
