Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
from now on my penis is your penis
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
