Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
tell me about the fingering
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