Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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