6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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