I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
