i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
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My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
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He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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