Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
