Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
My penis needs a shock collar
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Is Oprah even human
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Randomize
