I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
