what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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