I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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