was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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