so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
