tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
