She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
