I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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