i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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