the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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