based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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