When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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