Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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