wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
