So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
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I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
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He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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