Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
