Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
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