All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
