If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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