If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
