If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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