Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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