fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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