I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Please don't give away my fajitas
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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