I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
